Hi Everyone! Welcome back!
Since I was a little girl, I have always done a great job of maintaining a private life. I was closed up, withdrawn from the world and always on the outside looking into other people’s lives.
Even my closest friends at the time, were never aware of my real life. I was smart, so I knew how to blend in and I appear to act just like everyone else so everything I was facing went unnoticed.
I wasn’t being fake or anything like that but I avoided facing the issues going on at home and brushed it off enough to make it seem like nothing was going on.
Mental Health issues were frowned upon in my family so I was discouraged from receiving help.
I felt like I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I felt that no one would understand. So without knowing it, I was living a double life.
The proper word is called suppression, which means, “forcibly put to an end.”
As a child, I assumed it would be easier to contain and I did not think it would hurt anyone. In the end, I caused myself more trauma and pain by holding it inside than if I had someone to talk to.
Suppression can cause us to become consumed by our subconscious desires and act upon them without noticing. I was violent, angry, confused and misunderstood.
I didn’t have the proper guidance to learn how to release my frustrations in order to function properly in society. I didn’t think that my life would spiral out of control to the point that I couldn’t control it. I went from skipping school and stealing with “friends” into the story I’m about to share with you that changed my life forever.
What started off in sixth grade, the fights, the hate, the stealing, and the lies.
This reputation bled over into middle school, we were affiliated with an organization and we were focused on proving ourselves worthy of being apart of it.
Our names and reputation made it all the way to our local high school before we even stepped foot in the facility. We were known for not backing down and we did whatever necessary to maintain our brutal reputation. I was distracted by the dysfunction, violence and abuse going on in my home.
Repression is caused when another forces you to hold things in until you are suppressed. Blinded by all sorts of fear, anger, hate and misguidance. I took it upon myself to release all of my pent up emotions to pull a trigger on a fellow classmate.
By the age of 13, I hit my 3rd strike by adding aggravated assault with a deadly weapon to my juvie record.
To everyone on the outside it was gang related.
Because I said I would do it and I wasn’t known to back down was the initial reason. Once I got the weapon in hand, the chance to release everything bad in me became more tempting.
First I shot up in the air, although I almost shot my head off, I felt relief. Then I looked at my “adversaries” at the time and caught them staring. I started to ask, “Wtf are you looking at?,” but I thought to myself, “I got a gun.”
I pointed the gun at our target and pulled the trigger again.
The crazy thing is, I regretted everything the moment the bullet left the chamber.
Even worse there were innocent by-standers that I didn’t realize were there because of being blinded by rage. It took time for me to face my regret and humble myself enough to admit why I did something so carelessly.
Because the courts considered my family history, they did not try us as adults.
We were blessed to be a few years from being cases closer to the system considering severer punishments for being, “juvenile 3rd strikers.”
I count my blessings everyday!
That gave me a chance to face the consequences of my life young enough to decide that was not the life that I wanted to live. Probation introduced me to some mental health awareness programs and since I’ve been an adult, I choose to receive support from these people today.
In 2014, I got a chance to speak with the, “adversary“, which in fact was never an adversary. We just allowed the fact that we were in different classrooms, clusters, communities, and dumbly enough “representing” opposing colors at the time, come between us. She accepted my apology and we are still in touch through social media.
I don’t wear my past on my sleeve, I don’t have anything to prove so it doesn’t matter if I got an OG stamp or not. I’ve paid my dues.
My thing is, when I got in front of that judge, I had already faced my demons enough to stand in front of him to take my punishment like a man. (as they say) I didn’t cry on the day of sentencing because I had already cried many times before that day came.
I seriously regretted taking my anger out on someone else to the point where I broke myself against the law.
Conclusion: As long as we are alive, we will continuously get the opportunity show growth. Whenever life gives us second chances, take them and make better decisions. Just because something happened to us doesn’t give us the right to lash out on the world negatively.
I have learned to take any negative emotion and turn into to something great.
My Challenge to All of My Viewers:
(After you leave your leave a comment or suggestions on this post) When you go back out into the world (dealing with anyone outside of yourself), anything that stirs you the wrong way, you stir everything the right way.
Meaning, anytime anyone makes you mad, take the proactive approach by first leaving any situation that is compromising to your character. Practice positive ways of calming down instead of focusing on the who, what, where, when made you mad.
If that person is toxic (tune into my upcoming post on toxic people) then if it is best that you part ways with them, just be the bigger person and at least let them know in a safe environment that it is best to part ways. If it isn’t safe to do that then just move on.
Until Next Time…Take Care!